Just... why.

Hey there. Good sunday morning, isnt it?
You may or may not have noticed a poll on the right there (over followers and under the ads). I feel that I am giving out too many recommendations instead of actual reviews... but then again, this blog is for all of you office drones who just need to pass time between two assignments (or procrastinate like mad cunts). So yeah, if you feel I should do more reviews of games in general and warn you of bad ones, click the corresponding reply button.
Thank you.
Now to the review. Strap in, because this is not one of the games I like.
There are some game concept you can combine. Like, say, real-time strategy and role playing. (Well done in WarCraft III (to a limit), the Dawn of War series, etc.).
However there is about no concept that mixes well with these gem-games where you are supposed to match three of a kind. Especially not one that is in any way strategic, like a hero-line-defense game. (Especially since hero line defeneses make no fucking sense whatsoever since no general would send their troops down narrow paths.)
Well the game King's Guard tried to do just that. Surprisingly it fails at it utterly.
But let me start from the top. The game is about three heroes (a mage, a dude on a horse and a meleefighter), who... I dont know. The story was so poorly written I really gave no fuck about it.
Anyhow, for some reason these three dudes (and one dudette) chill out at some straight paths where enemies conveniently run right into the sharp ends of their weapons (or spells). In the "heroes" backs (I refuse to call anyone a hero without knowing their name or at least a good pseudonym. "Knight" is not a good pseudonym. Seriously, the heroes didnt even have names.) are the cities they are supposed to defend (or something. Again, I really didnt give a shit about the story). These are made up from colourful houses which can be re-arrenged for some reason. If three houses of the same colour are in line they disappear (which would probably enrage the inhabitants) and heal the heroes/provide money/provide troops for support. This must be the most complicated and least effective kind of magic I have ever seen.
Oh god the colours.
If four or more same-coloured houses are in line they spawn special tiles with special abilities and stuff like that. Yada yada yada, nothing that hasnt been done before. The problem? The special abilities spawned by aligning four tiles need to be timed well to be of any effectivity. Thus your eyes switch back and forth from the one-dimensional fields of slaughter and the color-clusterfuck on the right and you are left dizzy and confused. At some point I was just randomly clicking around for minutes until I realized I lost quite a while ago.
From time to time you get some equipment and put it to good use for your heroes, which is the only thing that gives the game any kind of tactical aspect, because different equipment unlocks different abilities and gives the heroes some kind of bonuses, which are in the end useless because the only thing your three faggy-coloured retards are good at is dying. Seriously, all of them (except for the sorceress) die like flies. And there isnt shit you can do about it. I am not trying to say that I have a problem with this games difficulty. I like difficult games and I really enjoy a challenge. But this game is difficult for the wrong reason. Because there is nothing you can do, except randomly shuffle tiles around in hope to find a combination that will give your dying dude some health points back. Making a four-tile combo is in the most cases simply impossible because of the big variety of tiles.
So the controls are utter horse-piss and everything else is too. Well the graphics are KINDA nice, but I could not even really watch them because I was to busy getting a seizure from tile-shuffling under pressure.
From time to time the game wants to help you, which felt more like an insult for me. It then points at a tile which you should move in order to get a new combo down. Sometimes however this is not that easily possible, so it just tells you to use your special abilities, which could be better used at another time.
So the only tactical element the game had in it's game-phase is completely useless.

I made it to level 15 I think, but only because of Operational Conditioning. Not something to be proud of, funflow!
Prepare to see that screen. A LOT.
Another thing that got me mad was the constant reminder that I should check out another game. I forgot it's name but I will make sure to ignore it if it is any way as bad as King's Guards.


  1. lol, i was about to post about this game at my own blog but eventually decided against it

  2. After Plants and Zombies I really can't get used to how they move right to left :)

  3. Hahahaha, this game looks so shitty! Thanks for reviewing nevertheless.

  4. Okay, thats interesting. I try it out!

  5. Gonna check it out in a sec.

  6. Good detailed review man, keep it up.

  7. Reminds me of a different game

  8. Wow this game is amazing! =O maybe i'm a bit of a loser..

  9. looks little simplistic but must be fun

  10. WHAT the hell man, who makes sh!t like this? All the new ideas are the ones that are lame or just plain BAD. Ive played it the other night for like 10 minutes and I have to say - gimme 10 minutes of my life back!!

  11. Looks pretty cool actually abit like kings of chaos in some ways! Thumbs uP!

  12. Yeah that doesn't look all too appealing, I might be willing to try it out. But then again, I am pretty busy.

  13. I love hearing a bad game being given a good slap. The noise, like crunching on celery, is satisfying.